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Preparing Your Child for Back to School: What Your Child Counsellor Wants You to Know

As summer comes to an end, families are often busy buying school supplies, organizing backpacks, adjusting bedtimes and getting ready for another school year.

But there is another kind of preparation that is just as important: helping our children prepare emotionally.

As a child counsellor, one of the things I want parents to remember is that a child can be excited about school and anxious about school at the same time. Those feelings can exist together.

A child might say, “I don’t want to go,” complain of a stomachache, become more emotional, have difficulty sleeping, or suddenly become clingier. This doesn’t necessarily mean they are being difficult or trying to avoid school. Sometimes their nervous system is telling them that a big transition feels uncertain.

Here are some evidence-informed ways families can help.

1. Don’t rush to remove the anxiety. Help your child learn that they can handle it.

One of our natural parenting instincts is to immediately reassure:

Don’t worry.
Everything will be fine.
You have nothing to be nervous about.

Although these statements come from a good place, they don’t always teach children what to do with uncomfortable feelings.

Instead, try:

It makes sense that you’re feeling nervous. Starting a new school year can feel like a lot. Let’s think about what might help.

This validates the emotion without reinforcing the idea that anxiety is dangerous.

2. Get specific about the worry.

I’m nervous about school is a very big statement for a child.

Try breaking it down:

What’s the hardest part?
Are you worried about the teacher?
Is it the classroom?
Are you worried about finding someone to sit with?
Are you worried about getting something wrong?
Are you worried about being away from me?

Once we know what the fear actually is, we can help with the problem instead of simply reassuring the child.

3. Practice before the first day.

For an anxious child, the first day shouldn’t necessarily be the first exposure to everything.

Drive past the school.

Walk around the school grounds.

Practice the morning routine.

Pack the backpack together.

Try on the new shoes.

Practice opening lunch containers.

Talk through what drop-off will look like.

If possible, visit the classroom or meet the teacher.

These small “practice runs” can make an unfamiliar experience more predictable. Gradual exposure is also an important part of evidence-based treatment for childhood anxiety. Rather than continually avoiding something that feels scary, children can be supported to approach it in manageable steps and discover that they can cope. (Gov.bc)

4. Build a predictable morning routine.

Children tend to do better when they know what to expect.

Instead of giving ten instructions in the morning, create a simple visual routine:

Get dressed
Eat breakfast
Brush teeth
Pack backpack
Put on shoes
Leave for school

For younger children, pictures can be especially helpful.

Predictability reduces the number of decisions and negotiations happening when everyone is already under pressure.

5. Start adjusting sleep before school starts.

Don’t wait until the night before school to move bedtime several hours earlier.

Gradually shift bedtime and wake-up time toward the school schedule. Consistent sleep and wake times can make the transition easier, and adequate sleep is important for children’s emotional regulation, attention and functioning at school. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends roughly 9–12 hours for school-aged children and 8–10 hours for teenagers. (HealthyChildren.org)

6. Teach coping skills when your child is calm.

The first morning of school is not the ideal time to teach a child how to regulate their anxiety.

Practice beforehand.

Try:

• Slow breathing: breathe in gently and make the exhale longer.

• Grounding: notice five things you can see, four you can feel, three you can hear, two you can smell and one you can taste.

• Helpful self-talk: “I can feel nervous and still do this.”

• Muscle relaxation: gently tense and release different muscle groups.

• Movement: walking, stretching, jumping or another form of physical activity can help children discharge some of that physical stress response.

The goal isn’t to make anxiety disappear. The goal is to give your child tools for moving through it.

7. Be careful about accidentally reinforcing avoidance.

This is an important one.

If a child is anxious about school and staying home immediately makes the anxiety disappear, their brain can learn:

“School = danger. Staying home = safety.”

That can make the next attempt even harder.

This does not mean we should force a severely distressed child into school without understanding what’s happening. Anxiety can sometimes be connected to bullying, learning difficulties, sensory challenges, trauma, separation anxiety, social anxiety or other genuine concerns.

But when avoidance is driven by anxiety, evidence-based approaches generally focus on helping children gradually re-engage rather than allowing avoidance to become the primary coping strategy. CBT and exposure-based approaches have evidence supporting improvements in childhood anxiety and school attendance. (PubMed).

8. Watch your own nervous system.

Children are incredibly sensitive to the emotional cues of the adults around them.

If we’re saying, “You’re going to be okay,” while frantically checking the clock, worrying about drop-off and repeatedly asking, “Are you sure you’re okay?” our child may receive a very different message.

Try to communicate calm confidence:

“I know this feels hard. I also know you can handle hard things. We have a plan, and I’ll see you after school.”

We don’t need to pretend that everything is perfect. We simply want our children to see that uncomfortable feelings can be managed.

9. Give your child a plan for when things feel difficult at school.

Instead of saying, Just come find me if you’re upset, work with your child and school to identify a specific plan.

Who can they go to?

Where can they take a short break?

What can they do if they feel overwhelmed?

Who is their safe adult?

What happens if they need help?

Collaborating with teachers and school staff can be particularly important for children experiencing significant anxiety. (AAP)

10. Don’t measure success by whether your child felt zero anxiety.

This may be the most important shift.

A successful first day doesn’t necessarily mean:

“My child wasn’t nervous.”

It might mean:

“My child was nervous and went anyway.”

“My child asked for help.”

“My child used their breathing strategy.”

“My child stayed even though they wanted to leave.”

“My child made it through something that felt difficult.”

Those are moments of resilience.

We aren’t raising children who will never feel anxious, disappointed, embarrassed or afraid.

We’re raising children who gradually learn:

“I can have difficult feelings.”

“I can ask for help.”

“I can solve problems.”

“I can try again.”

“I can do hard things.”

And sometimes the most powerful thing we can give our children before a new school year isn’t another school supply.

It’s the confidence that whatever happens, they won’t have to navigate it alone.

If your child’s anxiety is persistent, significantly interfering with sleep or daily functioning, causing frequent physical complaints, or making school attendance increasingly difficult, it is worth speaking with your child’s teacher, school counsellor, pediatrician, or a qualified child mental-health professional. School refusal and anxiety can be connected to several different underlying issues, so understanding the reason behind the behaviour matters. (onlinelibrary.wiley.com)